Dear my best friend,
We needed a break. Being extremely close and always doing everything together made our friendship very strained when I fell into a long distance relationship and I spent the majority of my free time with Ben. I didn’t intend to be so harsh on you, I didn’t even realise I was being neglectful. The thing is, you didn’t appear overjoyed for me like I wanted you to be, you didn’t seem to understand that in my head, seeing you everyday through the week, and my boyfriend at weekends, was okay. So we argued…a lot. We spent less time with each other, more time at each other. Then we just stopped talking. We didn’t have a fight, we just exchanged a few harsh words over text message and then you stopped replying.
It was horrendous. I wanted to fix it but I was so upset, cross and felt like I’d wasted the last 5 years of my life, so many memories that hurt to look back on, having to bite back heated, emotional tears when I saw you with other people, wishing that I could go back in time and sort things out but painfully convincing myself I was better off without you. I’d post angry insulting and very spiteful tweets, that I now wish I hadn’t written, hoping that you would see how much distress you were causing me, I wanted to hurt you like you had hurt me. So I left. I removed myself from the situation and I moved away, yes this was the easy option but although part of me was missing, I still had my boyfriend and a new beginning so I latched onto that and put my all into moving away and starting afresh-new friends, new lifestyle.
Don’t get me wrong, despite deleting most of my photos of us, I never forgot about you! There was many a time when I wanted to call you, see you, text you, ask what you were doing, who you were hanging out with, how your family were. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I had so much underlying hurt from how you cut me off, it was obvious to me that you’d moved on.
I regularly searched for you on twitter; you made a new one and had it been on private so I couldn’t see anything. But something kept drawing me to it, I don’t know what it was but I remember the first time I clicked on it to see it was public; I was instantly drawn in, my heart racing to see what you had been tweeting about for the past 6 months. I remember going through it all, reading so many memories of yours that I had not been a part of, feeling jealous and bitter of the friends you had made in the time I’d been gone. Then I accidentally followed you… as soon as I did it I was cursing myself, and instantly hit the unfollow button. But that’s what got the ball rolling.
The next day I was settling down to go to bed and I received a really long text message from you, explaining your reasons for cutting me off, apologising for upsetting me, just opening up to me. It was distressing to read. Hearing somebody’s reasons for removing you from their life is shocking. That night I cried for ages, I didn’t know what to respond so I just curled up, cuddled into Ben until I eventually managed to fall asleep. It took me another day to write my response, it wasn’t as long as yours and I was emotional writing it. I told you how I felt, that I was so sorry, but I thought it best we met up to talk. You agreed, so that’s what we did.
Meeting up was difficult, I remember not knowing what to do, should I run up to you and hug you? Do I wait for you to say something first? Do I instigate the conversation? We met up in our hometown in Mcdonalds just because it was convenient for us both. Ben was with me but he disappeared and left us to it, I knew you were behind me in the queue but I was so unsure of how to act, so I pretended that I hadn’t seen you so I just got my order and went and sat at a table waiting for you to join. It was so weird that first meet. We didn’t speak about why we fell out-it felt wrong to. We just chatted, it was as if nothing had changed between us, we chatted about our common interests, about our families, I told you about my new life, my new job, our holiday we had booked. It was nice. I can’t say I was 100% comfortable, but I knew then that I had my best friend back.
After that I promised to meet up with you more but life gets in the way. We message each other all the time now, but after that first meeting, it was over a year before I next saw you properly again (forgetting the quick stop by your house at Christmas). It’s been 2 years and 5 months since we fell out and 1 year 9 months since we have been friends again. We don’t live in each others pockets anymore, we’re both in steady relationships and getting on with our individual lives but we speak a lot, you are always there when I want to chat about anything and we make time for each other now. This is difficult with our jobs and travelling but I knew that 2017 needed to be the year for change for me so we both made a conscious effort to agree to meet up every few months. We’ve been on a right emotional rollercoaster the past 2 years but Rachael, I am soo happy to call you my BEST FRIEND!